This is a great idea. If only we could get it miniaturised and slide it into our hippocampus and wire it up to our limbic system. Bingo! Instant sunshine every day…
I attended a course last weekend which started me thinking about how much we all damage ourselves and our quality of life by indulging in Perfectionism. We often think of Perfectionists as having some form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) where all can labels in the cupboards have to face forward and the cans and bottles have to be ranked in size order and by colour and content.
Most of us have some element of the Perfectionist within us – liking a tidy home or desk or having a regular place to put the kitchen scissors. This type of behaviour helps us have more efficient and pleasant lives and avoids wasting hours of effort trying to find a roll of Cellotape.
However, our Perfectionism can become a problem when we start to apply it to ourselves and how we feel the world should treat us. For instance, when the mechanism of the subconscious (which builds our map of the world and the everyday rules for living), starts to create rules which build an unrealistic expectation about the world around us and the way it should (must) treat us.
If we aren’t careful, we can begin to construct unrealistic rules for ourselves and then try to live by them, expecting the world to treat us well in return. Examples of these beliefs could be “I should never turn down the chance of doing something” or “It must be 100% right. Not even a tiny error is acceptable” or “My employer must always treat me well because I am a such a good worker and he really values my contribution”.
The result of creating these types of rule is that you put a massive amount of pressure on yourself and those around you to deliver something which is, in reality, unachievable.
“I should never turn down the chance of doing something” means that instead of having a varied and interesting life you are manically running/driving from one event to another. Getting up early to get somewhere; leaving that event early to get somewhere else; frantically changing clothes for the next activity; driving furiously to get somewhere else; always looking at the clock, cursing buses, trains and planes for being late; fretting and agitated in traffic jams; dragging friends and family around behind you in a frantic hurry to get somewhere and do something else rather than the thing you are actually doing!
Many people also apply this same “never turn anything down” rule to their work lives by never turning down a job or a project. Clients tell me “it’s because they know I’m the only one who can do it,” “It’s my area of expertise”, “no one else can meet that kind of deadline”. What they are really telling me is that their employer is exploiting their mistaken belief. The Manager handing out the work probably thinks that my client is a mug for taking on more and more work; that they don’t really care what happens to one of their team when they eventually break down. That as long as the job gets done and the Manager looks good, they’ll keep on piling on the work. If it all goes wrong, they can blame the overworked and Perfectionist who has moved heaven and earth to make sure that they deliver a 100% perfect job.
The self-delusion that one is valued at work and that a company cares still runs deep in the veins of many employees, despite the evidence in front of them every day. They will tolerate bullying, abuse and overwork because they fear the effort of finding a new job and lack the confidence to rise to the challenge of being given tasks without the right training, timescale or resources. The chances are that if your boss never has to say “do it or I’ll find someone else who will” when loading another massive burden on your already overburdened back, then it’s YOU who’s the one taking on the work others have already said is impossible to do in the time/for the money/without more resource etc!
Another corrosive belief is that “it must be 100% right, otherwise the rest of what I’ve done is useless and worthless and I am a useless and worthless person who doesn’t deserve thanks or praise”. No amount of praise can be meaningful to his kind of Perfectionist. It rolls off them as their subconscious mind rejects what it sees as hollow words from people who “just don’t know how much better the result could have been if only I could have done a better job”. This creates in the Perfectionist a deep well of frustration and dissatisfaction with everything in their lives. They feel bad all the time. They might turn to drink, drugs, sex or food for comfort in order to achieve that elusive feeling of control over their lives. They might begin to blame others for their lack of perceived achievement, or break up relationships or just work harder and harder until they eventually break down.
The payback which comes from all this manic behaviour is often the firm belief that “My employer must always treat me well because I am a such a good worker and he values my contribution so much”. Perfectionists believe this of their families too “because I work until 2am every night cleaning the kitchen the family must love me more and show me their appreciation”.
But because everyone views the Perfectionist as neurotic and unreasonable, they don’t value that person more. In fact, they probably value them less than they would if they just worked 9-5 in the office and spent their time enjoying relaxation with the family playing games and doing trivial things.
As I’m always telling my clients, it’s OK to want to do things to the best of your abilities, but only within the context of the time, energy and other commitments that you have.
If you find yourself under constant pressure, ask yourself why. What are the beliefs which are driving you to be under that pressure? What makes the rules you’ve created for yourself true? What less pressing rules could you create? Are the rules you are currently living your life to actually out of date – were they right for when you were younger but are they appropriate to life as it is now?
Try writing down the rules which trouble you most and think about them. How much do they ruin your life? What would happen if you didn’t obey them? What would you lose AND, more importantly, what would you gain?
Why not take a look at the Perfectionist in your own life, and see how your own work and home life could be improved?
Yes, it’s almost here. The NHS’s “Stoptober” event designed to help smokers quit before Christmas. They got a great support package and even a cute App to use.
In support of the event I’ve sent out a press release to local media addressed to those who are thinking of using hypnosis to support their efforts to quit. Here’s what it says…
Local hypnotherapist provides support for NHS “Stoptober” Campaign
A Havering based hypnotherapist is urging the public to look for practitioners registered with the Complementary & Natural Healthcare Council (CNHC) if they want to use hypnotherapy to help them give up smoking during the NHS’s Stoptober campaign.
Many people use hypnotherapy to help them to stop smoking. The Complementary and Natural Healthcare Council (CNHC) was set up 18 months ago with government funding and support to provide a central registry of practitioners who are fully trained and qualified to meet the standards and requirements of the CNHC and to follow their strict Code of Practice.
Keith Jefford, who was trained by the Institute of Clinical Hypnosis in London and is among one of the first hypnotherapists in the UK to be registered with the CNHC says: “Hypnotherapy is often used to help clients achieve the behavioural change needed to stop smoking and it’s so important they use someone who knows what they are doing. In my experience, it is vital that the hypnotherapist has the training, skill and experience to be flexible. Each client must be treated as an individual, and the hypnotherapist has to adapt their treatment to suit each person’s requirement and personality. The CNHC symbol acts as a mark of professional quality and high standards of service”.
Keith added that: “members of the public can search the CNHC register at www.cnhc.org.uk to find practitioners in their local area. More than 170,000 searches have been carried out since the register first opened in 2009”
I know that I’ve blogged about this before, but the CNHC is there for the protection of the public and NHS therapy commissioning services alike, so if you know anyone who thinking about using hypnosis to quit the demon weed, please get them to check the CNHC Register first to ensure that they have the best possible chance of succeeding.
This week has seen media coverage of a problem affecting up to 1m people in the UK who are suffering from “completely preventable” severe headaches caused by taking too many pain killers.
“Medication Overdose Headaches” have been brought to public attention by the latest NICE (National Institute of Clinical Excellence) Guidelines on the topic.
It may surprise readers to learn that no one knows exactly how painkillers work or how it affects the brain in the treatment of headaches.
The new NICE Guideline to GPs is that patients suffering from MOH be advised to stop taking painkillers immediately, despite the fact that they run the risk of suffering potentially agonising pain as the headaches continue without the benefit of analgesia. Having been through this period of withdrawal, symptoms are expected to gradually improve if not disappear altogether.
Dr Massio Riccio, a leading addiction specialist at the Priory Clinic in Roehampton is quoted by the BBC News website as saying that “those trying to kick a serious codeine habit may suffer symptoms not dissimilar to someone weaning themselves off a class A drug. You may well experience increased perspiration, cold sweats, stomach cramps, a runny nose, and generally feel unwell. Psychologically you may feel more irritable and may not sleep well”.
If YOU think that you might be affected by the problem of MOH then the first thing to do is to consult your doctor for a proper diagnosis.
If you are advised to stop taking painkillers with immediate effect and suffer painful withdrawals symptoms, you might consider consulting a hypnotherapist.
Hypnotherapy can help in a number of ways:-
- For Tension headaches, it can help you relax and release the tension which is creating the pain. It can also be used to help you deal with the source of the anxiety causing the tension and thereby help provide a long term solution to the problem.
- Migraine can also be helped by hypnosis. In addition to release tension caused by an attack it can also help reduce the fear of future attacks and help you deal with the severity of the current symptoms, including the nausea and sensitivity to light and sound which accompanies it. It can also help you deal with the stressful things which might bring on an attack and teach you ways of protecting yourself from frequent re-occurrence.
- For those suffering from Cluster headaches (causing swelling around the eyes – making them red and watery – together with severe pain around the eyes and sides of the face) it can help reduce the stress of the attacks and the sensitivity to the pain it produces.
For all kinds of headache conditions I always teach a variety of pain control techniques and self-hypnosis to help put the client more in control of their own particular set of triggers and symptoms.
If you’d like to know more about how hypnotherapy can help you, please refer to my website at wwww.keithjeffordhypnotherapy.co.uk
I recently received the following enquiry from a prospective client which I though my readers might find of interest…
|I found your website through Google. Although I work away I am at home most weekends. I am considering hypnosis to help me get over a difficult emotional time. I have been advised by my GP to check any therapists credentials thoroughly. I hope you don’t think this rude in any way. Can you let me know which organisation you trained in for your CTB/REBT, NLP, EMT and counselling. Do you have insurance and how long you have been a therapist. Do you offer Friday evening or weekend appointments and how much per session. Many thanks Sue|
I hope that my reply might help those considering hypnotherapy but are unsure how to find a properly trained and qualified therapist…
I’ve worked with several people lately who have come to me with Anger management issues.
Sometimes they had already lost people they love or jobs they really enjoyed because of their flashes of anger or uncontrollable and intimidating outbursts of physical or verbal abuse.
Others have arrived looking stunned and in a state of shock. Often they’ve been told by a court or a partner that they have to seek out treatment to deal with their problem or suffer the consequences. They often have only just begun to realise the devastating consequences of their actions.
Some people realise their problem; others are in denial, claiming that they just have a quick temper – “I just have an outburst and then it’s all over” – without realising the damage it is doing to the recipient of the outburst.
As I therapist I have no magic wand that tells me who’s telling me the truth about the extend of their anger or its true causes; all I can do is work with what I’m told at our first consultation and then explore possible causes arising from upbringing, life experiences etc. as we progress.
Anger has many causes. Sometimes an individual might have an ongoing psychotic mental health problem (paranoid schizophrenia for example) which requires specialist diagnosis and the help of psychiatric healthcare professionals who are able to create drug and therapy programmes designed to help patients control their illness and return to normal functioning. I refer to this as a functional problem, and is beyond the remit of therapy to resolve.
In many cases, however, anger can be the product of emotional trauma, such as being betrayed by a trusted partner in business or in love, or the sudden loss a parent or child resulting in unresolved grief, or the outcome of a sudden traumatic event leading to creation of symptoms of (or even full-blown) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
In other cases it can be a learned behaviour – the result of being raised in a chaotic or combative family where aggression is the norm, or is the only way of protecting personal possessions or avoiding being picked on.
I therefore start therapy by taking a thorough Case History. This is only a three page questionnaire but by the end I know everything I need to about the client’s life, family relationships and major life issues. From this information I can begin to isolate and investigate those issues/events which might be driving anger.
In effect, what I do is identify “buttons”. The buttons which get pressed by a partner, or an innocent customer standing in a pub. The words which, when spoken, provoke an instant and frightening verbal or physical attack.
Couples who’ve been together for a while know all about buttons. They know exactly what to say to provoke an instant fight – “You’re lazy”, “You’re selfish”, “It’s no wonder the kids hate you”. But while their arguments might be loud and unpleasant, most couples arguments don’t end up in the casualty department of a local hospital or in the police being called.
My job as a therapist is therefore to identify the buttons and then to help defuse them. To drain off the emotional fuel which drives them so they no longer cause volcanic eruptions of rage.
I therefore approach Anger Management in two main ways:-
i) To straight away teach a client a number of methods for becoming aware of what drives their anger (the Buttons) and then fast ways of controlling rising anger – in effect, changing the response to the things which make them angry – thus teaching a client right from the outset how to keep themselves and others, safe in stressful situations.
ii) At the same time, I try to establish the reasons for a client feeling angry. Often this is obvious; at other times it has been blocked and needs exploration before it emerges in conversation. Either way, I look to deal with the emotions and feelings of frustration, fear, anxiety etc which have led to the anger emerging. These unresolved emotions are the fuel for anger. If we remove the fuel, the anger just evaporates.
iii) Having done this, I then help the client to see their lives in a new way. To notice the change in the response of loved ones, friends and workmates to this new calmer person. How new opportunities arise in their lives. How they become more secure, more loved and valued.
And the therapy need not take lots of sessions. I have completed work with one client in five sessions – the last of which was a session to explain to his partner how we had managed to bring about such a dramatic (and hopefully) lasting change in his behaviour!
One last word. To all those women who think they can change a violent or abusive man. You can’t. Leave the relationship and put the experience behind you. Protect yourself and your children. You must understand that you are a catalyst to your partner’s anger. Whatever you do, whatever you say, you are part of the problem. You will never be able to effect change alone. Your partner needs to be evaluated to eliminate functional causes and then to work with someone independent of your relationship who can use the therapies needed to bring about change – if change is possible. The best thing you can do for your partner and yourself is to remove yourself to a place of safety and to urge them to seek professional help and resolution before it’s too late.
I’ve recently been dealing with a number of clients who have anger management issues and as a result have spent a lot of time trying to identify the most effective ways of defusing their anger.
Some people, of course, are just hardwired to have a short fuse, they are often very manipulative and turn violent if they don’t get their own way. These are best left to proper psychiatric care.
For a lot of people though, anger is a natural emotional response to events or issues which have shaken their world, creating issues which remain unresolved for years after the event and which gradually fester into a habitual sense of impatience and intolerance with the world around them.
Anger presents itself in sudden flare ups and inappropriate aggression towards to everyone from partners and children to shop staff and call centre operators. Sufferers have an extremely low tolerance threshold of anything which requires them to deal with an issue, however trivial.. Those who are tolerant by nature suddenly become intolerant. Those who have always had enormous patience suddenly start throwing things around in frustration or threatening others with violence. Frequently this violence is only verbal but sometimes it can go further.
By the time they reach my consulting room sufferers are usually at a cross-roads in their relationship – their partner has told them to get treatment or the relationship will be at an end. Sometimes, their partner has already found someone else, having been driven away by the frustration and fear induced by walking on eggshells every time Mr Angry is around. At other times they might have been forced to seek treatment as a result of a restraining order or other court instruction.
When they sit down for their first consultation, sufferers are normally in a pretty poor state, feeling helpless and depressed, confused and fearful for their relationship, their family, the impact which their problems has had on their friends and colleagues at work – their entire future in fact. Some readily acknowledge their problem; other remain in denial that they have anything other than a low tolerance level for certain types of “provocation” or situation.
My job as a psychotherapist is to first establish the extent and intensity of the anger they experience and whether or not is hardwired or emotionally driven. I then identify the triggers which create the outbursts and the internal language which it generates in the client, and the people who are most likely to be the targets.
From there I need to identify the type of fuel which is powering their anger. Often it is quite apparent – the sudden death of a parent or very close friend or the loss of a child. Redundancy is another common cause – it can have a disastrous impact on someone’s sense of self-worth and identity. Men in particular seem to have very fragile egos – they are often identified by their jobs – they are their jobs. When those jobs are taken away, they become totally lost. They seem like ghosts, with no idea of who they are or what they should be doing. They become angry and frustrated at their ex-employers, their managers, the company and most importantly, at themselves for their seeming impotence, confusion and lack of direction and purpose. These feelings then combine with all the unspent energy which would usually get used up during a busy working day to create a highly volatile cocktail of anger.
In addition, being let down by a trusted business partner, being ripped off by a crooked salesman resulting in the loss of income, house and the subsequent esteem of friends and family can make a normal loving father into a seething mass of anger – ready to erupt at the slightest provocation. This time the anger is fuelled not by loss of identity but at having the very roots of his masculinity challenged – he’s been duped, made to look a fool, lost respect amongst his family and peer. His primitive instinct is to strike back, release the pent up rage in an orgy of physical violence against whoever caused him the hurt. But he can’t do that; society doesn’t allow it. And so he has to lock it up inside him where he tried to bury it, only for it to burst out in the form of violent rage and anger.
Having got to this point of understand, both for myself and the client, I will usually use hypnosis to help the client release all this anger against an individual or situation in a safe way, by helping them to create scenarios and visualisations which allow them to burn off their anger, often in just a single session. They can, in imagination, express their thoughts and feelings, rampage around, scream and yell, do whatever they feel they need to do to unlock their feelings, express them in their imagination and then emerge feeling cleansed and revitalised.
Having achieved this, they are they taught different ways of regaining control of themselves in difficult situations. How to avoid indulging in knee-jerk responses to perceived provocation and learning how to take control of a situation before it gets out of hand.
And these sessions don’t need to go on for a long time. I recently dealt with a case which was resolved in five one-and-a-half hour sessions. The final session was held with his partner to help her understand how he had undergone such a transformation in behaviour in such a short time, and to be reassured that without the fuel which drove his anger, the change she had observed was to all intents and purposes, permanent.
If you suffer from anger issues and would like to talk more please feel free to contact me via the blog or my website at www.keithjeffordhypnotherapy.co.uk